How to Defuse the Tension in Less Time

The thought of defusing tension quicker hit me after a morning with a large amount of tension. It was one of those mornings where I found myself sitting in the cooler, darker, and quieter basement. I felt defeated. I was sick and tired of having tension in our house when we were all together. 

Later, as I was reflecting, it finally hit me. Our day did not completely crumble. We had hard moments. We had rough waves, but then the waves calmed. This was not typical. Usually when we started our day with tension, our whole day would be trashed. Dark clouds would form and those rough waves continued through the day. By the end of the day, the emotions would boil over into a fight. That fight would lead to crummy sleep and not a stellar start to our week. It is a negative cycle we have been trying to break. 

So what has been happening in our relationship? Recently we have been consciously communicating and respecting each other’s feelings. Now, before you think this is going to get too hippie for your liking and you think I am going to suggest singing kumbaya and burning sage, hear me out. 

I recently heard someone speak on a moment where they lost their cool and reacted harsher than they would like. They proceeded to mention that it was ok, they aren’t a robot, they are a human with lots of emotions and feelings.  Something that is uncomfortable for most people (for various reasons) is expressing how they are feeling. I am not talking long winded explanations while laying on a couch in a therapist’s office. I am talking about simply stating a fact in order for the people you are dealing with to understand where you are at. 

Z and I know that our success will come with our ability to be a team. It’s a wall that has taken each of us time to break down. I had to learn how to be vulnerable and let him in, especially during my harder moments. 

That morning when tension could be cut with a knife, I looked him in the eyes and told him I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. A simple comment gave him the opportunity to step in and support me. If I wasn’t willing to share that, I would have remained passive with the unavoidable meltdown later on. 

There is something about merely calling out your harder emotions that allows them to be managed at a quicker rate. When we express the harder emotions, we also open the space to be supported. Calm communication takes practice (we’re still practicing), however, in the long run it makes everything much easier. 

A few things come with that:

-You have to be willing to be supported AND be supportive when needed.

-The harder emotions are met without judgment from either party. 

-This takes practice, patience, grace and kindness as you each work to make this approach your auto-pilot. It’s ok not to get it right every time, you just have to be willing to continue trying.