Bring the “Village” Back
Expressing a need? Having to ask someone to go out of their way? Being vulnerable? Did any other recovering (or current) people pleasers get a pit in their stomach just by reading that? Yeah, same here. That’s why it’s time to redesign getting support AND giving it. Relationships, the good ones at least, are a two-way street.
In past relationships with family or friends, I was not stellar at expressing a need. I would put on a brave face and unknowingly resist any help offered. I would likely vent about something but didn’t know how to communicate what I needed for support. Which then made that venting I was doing rather annoying (in my opinion).
Instead, I had the rough habit of blocking. I would disassociate and distract myself with other things. I would vent but not do anything to actively change what was bothering me. An even worse habit… I believed the help wasn’t there. My brain wanted to tell me that no one wanted to help. Or that I was too much if I asked for help/support. I didn’t want to be a bother.
In reality, when I look back on it now, I could have saved myself a lot of less healthy habits if I would have been brave enough to ask for support. That is a lesson I am consciously working on. And, like anything else that is new, it will take time to learn.
When I say ask for support, I am aware that I cannot rely on someone else to fix it. My problems won’t completely disappear with a few moments of support/help.
Here’s what it can do though: create more space.
-It can give you some time to breathe and recalibrate.
-It can be a little jolt of the feelings and emotions you desire to have more of.
-It can give you space to knock a few things off your never ending to-do list.
-It can be moments spent together that are giving your body a break from being in a stressed, anxious, or sad state.
-It can give the sense that you are not alone. You may be alone in the task of facing what you have to work through, however, there are people surrounding you to be support beams as you navigate it.
This is going to look differently based on the situation and individual needs. I encourage you to be brave enough to redesign how you approach difficult or challenging times in your life. The people who are there for you likely would like to support you, they just need a little guidance.
Here is what I had to understand with the relationships in my life:
-People will give based on their own current capacity. I am accepting of whatever that may be.
-When people ask how they can support you, it’s ok to have something in mind, or to accept what they are offering.
-Know your people. If you could use someone cooking you a meal so you don’t have to, ask someone that you know has the space. If you could use a change of scenery and some company, ask someone you know will be available and looking for the same thing. If you need someone to listen, learn who is going to provide the type of listening you need.
This will take trial and error. It takes practice. It takes time to even learn your own needs if you aren’t used to asking. Let this be your starting point of even getting it going.
Spend time doing your own reflecting:
What are your needs?
Where could you use support?
Who are the people in your life that may have the capacity for you to ask?
How can you support your friends? What capacity do you have for the people in your life?
How can you voice to them that you’re there to support them?
A tip when you are the one offering support: try offering two options for them when you can tell they need support. When you ask them what they need, they are likely in the same boat of not knowing. That approach gives you the opportunity to offer something you know you have the capacity for, plus it helps them actually accept your offer to help.
If you have a friend who you know has a hard time accepting or allowing support in, you can try a different approach. Simply drop off a baked good on their doorstep. Venmo them for a coffee or their favorite beverage. Buy their coffee if you meet up to spend time with them. Ask if their kids can come over for a playdate because your kids could use the entertainment while you work around the house (and tell them they can just drop them off for a few hours). This allows you to build that trust that you are someone that is there to support them.
Relationships as adults are weird. They’re complicated and we’re all bringing in our own baggage from how relationships with others looked in the past (much like love relationships). This will get the ball rolling in beginning to redesign the way these relationships can look. People like to joke that “it takes a village but the village no longer exists”....well, let’s change that, shall we?
